Harvest Full Moon Diary
There is so much happening in the world right now. With the energy of the full moon feel particularly potent, I decided to do a little Harvest Full Moon ritual and tarot reading. I pulled The Hermit card. This journal is a reflection of using that card to help me process what was a very traumatic day. For the last few years I have been dealing with the questions of safety. Does feeling safe in the world influence what I am able to manifest on a daily basis? So when I was very nearly struck by two cars that collided 15 feet in front of me, this question became, once again, pertinent.
The Past, Trauma
I have suffered, off and on, for the last two years with varies degree's of PTSD symptoms. For whatever reason, over the course of these years, I have found my self in a variety of very similar situations, all of which left me feeling traumatized by the obvious reality that random violence is a latent threat whenever I step outside my door.
I have done a tremendous amount of self-work on this reality. When I was sexually assaulted on a city bus on my way to work in the spring of 2015, I was able to work around the fact that, even in that moment of harm, I was able to will myself to stand up against the perpetrator, stop him in mid act from assaulting another women, and spend the rest of the night completing a full police report.
I did all that I could have done, I thought. But still, as each day went on, the anxiety and stress worsened. I stopped taking the bus, especially at rush hour as the density of people intoxicated my feelings of dis-ease.
When I was violently assaulted while walking home from my German language class while living in Berlin in the fall of the same year, I felt all of the work that I did on propping up the belief in physical safety, come crashing down. I was already in a dark place, on the verge of surrender to a idea that I had chose wrong, that moving across the world with no plan in place, was a bad decision. It lead me into harm.
For months I stayed in this mental space. It was only because I had a job that I forced myself to keep a regular schedule of getting out and about. When we relocated to a new city, I spiralled back into that place of committed aloneness. Why, because the overwhelming feeling of being at constant risk of random violence, was too much to pretend didn't exist. I found that if I stayed in doors, I could work with this fear. And so that is what I did.
"The Hermit stands alone on the top of a mountain with a lantern in her hand. Mountains typically symbolise achievement, growth, and accomplishment. The Hermit has attained her spiritual pinnacle and is ready to share her knowledge with others."
The spiritual growth that occurred during those 6 months of near complete isolation, is where the seeds of my creative passion were planted. I knew I had to find a way to move the complex emotions of paranoid anxiety and stress out of my body even though, at the time, I had very little resources to do so.
If the experience of random and malicious violence was some sort of currency to move across a path of spiritual attainment, how was I supposed to work with it? This is still an unanswered question, in full at least as I am still discovering my way along this path. I have chosen to work within the realm of dark energies and archetypes because it acts as a salve to my still healing wounds.
The Now, A test
Today, as I was about to step into the intersection just a few blocks away from work, I was very nearly hit by two cars that collided with each other in the intersection. It took the entire day for me to process and piece the 'facts' together, mostly through the various eye witness accounts I heard at the scene. On top of my own blurred account, it seemed pretty clear- I only just nearly walked away with my fragile life intact. A mere foot or second sealed my fate. I was very nearly hit.
In my mind, I was. Kick and spit, all over again. Yes, very much so.
It is hard to write about trauma, the bigger complex of it, when you are still in it. My nervous system is still humming at a unnatural frequency, even my thoughts are transfixed to this vibration. My fingers are struggling to keep up. There is so much I want to say because there is so much that I feel. I am frantic to get it all down but I am also at the same time c is as if I am collecting these facts to support the proposition that I was on the verge of potential death but that some force bigger than myself attain an alignment that was able to protect me from serious, life threatening harm.
Yesterday was the first time in my adult life that I felt close to a 'near death experience.' The facts are clear. If car that swerved had avoided the car, it would have ran me over as a result of its major swerve. If I had been standing one or two feet forward, I may not have been able to get out of the way quick enough. If there was not a large light post on the curb, both cars may have collided right into me.
She is also continuing the path she has chosen, committed to her goal of ultimate awareness. The star in the lantern is a six-pointed star (the Seal of Solomon, a symbol of wisdom). The staff carried by the Hermit is the patriarch’s staff, a symbol of the narrow path of initiation and an emblem of power and authority. It represents the Hermit’s ability to use her isolation and the knowledge she has gained as a tool upon her path to reach even higher levels of awareness.
I have a wild imagination so it is nearly impossible for me to stop the constant visualization of all the scenario's that could have been. This is what trauma does to the brain. In order to make sense of the unsensible, the mind creates a series of scenarios that can give context to complex emotions. Yes, it is ok to feel overwhelmed with the treats involved in walking across a busy intersection because these random things do happen. My subconscious mind is reminding me that my feelings are honest and real and grounded in a rational perception of the way the world actually is.
The staff is in the Hermit’s left hand, the hand associated with the subconscious mind. The snow at her feet represents the heights of spiritual attainment. She wears the grey cloak of invisibility. Her secrets are not for everyone, only for those earnestly seeking them and those willing to climb the heights to wisdom.
It was slow going at first but I can find ways to take these random experiences that perpetuate an overwhelming sense of dis-ease and harness it for something more purposeful. So with this awareness in hand, I left work early so that I could be alone to reflect on the strong feelings that were needing to be processed about the incident and all that it stood for.
As it was the Harvest Full Moon, I knew that even a small ritual with align my intentions so as to create a deeper sense of understanding. I collected beautifully vibrant leaves just as they were about to bless the ground. I set myself down on a beach and created a mandala from a space of gratitude for being alive. I then gave that offering back to Mother Nature.
The Future, Fearlessness
It seems that every day there is something new to be afraid of. It seems that more often than not people find reasons to isolate themselves from others because of a perceived risk. This is so not the world that I want to live in, let alone be apart of creating. If I can concur my fears, accept the risks of being a caring and compassionate human being during a time of great risk, then maybe there is a way forward. Maybe I can be both comfortable with being overwhelmed by the threats that exist and still put myself into scenarios that create change, irrespective of known and unknown risks.
As it was a full moon in Aries, I know this work is feeding my capacity to take action, to raise my voice, to participate in change making to my fullest ability. From the corners of my mouth I breath nourishment into my sensitive and raw soul. I prioritize self care and self reflection over inconsequential responsibilities.
I am not trying to leave the pain behind but to continuously learn from it for when life
Hands me pain
I will learn to Fasten flowers to it
And adorn the struggle
With the pride
Of a Queen